whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do herpes really smell.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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