i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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