a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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