Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
