You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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