Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
