Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
