Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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