I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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