We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
