Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize