Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
