I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
