it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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