The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
