Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I love having hate sex.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
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