no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
