Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
