I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
