i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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