just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
whose parrot is this?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
