I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
