I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
