you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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