I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So many bounce houses so little time
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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