she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How does it feel to date your dad?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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