Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Enjoy the penises
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
