so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Terrible idea I love it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
