yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
