Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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