best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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