Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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