Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
