Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
