I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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