Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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