LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize