i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
