Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
