someone threw a dead crab at me
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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