I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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