I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
