At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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