Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
