Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
