Where did you get a picture of my penis
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
