I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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