This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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