hotel room ftw
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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