dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
