mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
