weddingsv make me drug and hornr
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
