he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
