I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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