Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
