By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
