Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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