I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
