apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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